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Swansongs

by Jake Bellissimo

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1.
Damp windowsill No rain falling outside Messages still to be sent Glancing past my foresight Vibrating room with screams Feeling my knees crash in Hereditary influence Hope by another name You got scared The world moved out of hand Learning sometimes It hurts more to comprehend I had no heart to say it was an easy feat Though life kicks back, death has no beat
2.
Living through death in my car Passing through things I thought would go away Can’t tell if it’s due to age or something I cannot change Watching the things I can’t stand to learn about things I cannot understand Making a friend of the night to try and render feelings of light If the moment wants to stand still, then I don’t know Though my past tells me to look back, I must look down and go The cold air is back and it breathes down my spine Living and breathing at the same time This tenderness I’ve never known I can feel a warmth radiate from my phone Volatile states dissipate For a solution, I’ll never wait The way the sun looks at me some days feels sublime Like a song I used to love, I want a pizza and a bottle of wine Whether this is melancholic or jubilant is not mine Living and breathing at the same time
3.
Where I’m at right now involves a revolving door because at the drop of a name that can change to be so much more Where I’d be at, then, is a grocery store in West Berlin around November 2015 unaware if I’m changing my life or if my life is changing me Where I’m at right now is less of a place and more of a list I can be selfish, co-dependent, happy, alone, neurotic, dissipating, scared of what my mind sees through my eyes, And, if given a bottle, I can also not give a shit My emotions can fly as high as an eagle does in spring and, if you leave me alone for long enough, I might even sing I want you to know that I’m trying to be as flowing as the trees can be Sincerely, J.B. to future me
4.
Shadow my brain as it talks through my mouth Wandering around early morning to try and find out who is even awake and will I wake them if I say what I really think? Oooh, I’ll just be quiet Oh…I’ll try to be quiet And if you ever wanted to run up and tell me All those times I left my windows open for butterflies flying in Trying to push memories out the door ...maybe this freedom was never really worth fighting for I’d say “you’re right, I should’ve known better. What’s next?”
5.
Look out the window The lights go on too long The streets of town are either on or off Feels like a year since I’ve felt this flow with ease Not feeling patience that’s temporary The weather’s passing by The feeling’s gone again I don’t know if in a year we’ll still be friends Not out of motive or pandering lightly Just either one of us could leave before our time goes gently But that doesn’t mean our time was never really our time But that’s the thing that I’ve seen on Meadow Road People come here to grow up, then they go Into a new life unawakening Some choosing needles and some foresaking them And I have learned what makes my mind run in circles And I have learned what I can also use to turn it off But, for me, it’s perpetual motion that makes it very hard to choose Some may disagree, but they do things I can’t see or want to see Though it’s not for me, choosing not to leave can still be a progression I want to apologize!
6.
You in the way You in the sun On my way over On my way out of town I could blame it on you, but that wouldn’t be fair to you or me But at the same time, if having you in my life really changed how I saw colors differently, that would be a cool place to be That would be a cool place to be You in new places You in the way 12th floor of a building We’re on the edge of Brooklyn I can see everything Lead me to the coat room Hold me in your arms Kiss me in your arms Leave the party early to kiss you in new places To see you in new places To get to know you better To let the world know we’re here
7.
Well, I woke up sweating surely on a kitchen floor in Charlottenburg Wondering if I had seen that scene before The one I can’t forget unless my body stops breathing You were there, but no one else in the room was laughing You made me remember my dream And then I start to wake up and realize that I am better off off I dipped my feelings in light and now I can’t go back to sleep You made me remember my dream The one where I stand out and speak free I want to run out in the streets, tell the grass, tell the morning dew that I feel something new, that I’m feeling renewed And though I wanna start a scene I remember it’s four in the morning So, no, I won’t intervene I will stay awake and dream You made me remember my dream
8.
9.
The sky painted over blue Out a Maryknoll bird flew The loudest ripple I’ve ever heard It sounded off from my phone Reflecting water shields our eyes I’m sure you’ve died a thousand times Where I’m walking, I can’t relate The sounds of white noise follow me home The sky painted over blue and I didn’t know what to do The only feeling that remains is knowing I know you better now that you’re gone
10.
We could live across the street or be neighbors like in college You could walk your dog at sunset and I could walk myself at dawn I could try to plant some flowers, but we both know me too well At that I won’t be successful ‘til I can take care of myself But, no matter in which city or state or country this future will be, I think we should call it “Paris” I can’t promise I’ll be fine, but you can’t promise that as well So, maybe we’ll each find someone who is capable of knowing we all can manifest both Heaven and Hell But, no matter in which city or state or country this future will be, I think we should call it “Paris” Oh, forgive me for thinking hopefully, but between the erratic moods and the feelings accrued and the things we do that don’t reflect who we wanna be We’ll know the difference between being fulfilled and just being happy But, for now, we can wait on Paris Yeah, Paris can wait Let’s just focus on our lives, not how long that will take Yeah, Paris can wait
11.
I can see it in my eyes sometimes when I remember my feelings are on the floor and wrapped around the things and the people I surround The past two days have been a blur, but I’m blurring through the passes I’m learning to get used to things as they go I want to be thrown decades ahead! There’s a fine line between tragedy and release I want to embody that fine line between tragedy and release ...but I think you’re right It’s not often that we get to go back, so, let’s go back Once again clean my glasses Write down this feeling before it passes
12.
The Q Train 02:34
Feeling grace passing through me Can’t tell it apart from torn seams My mind feels ashamed though there’s nobody else in the room and my heart beats at a new volume Driving around for two weeks In motion, but not moving Caught in a moment where I couldn’t stop time In-between bane and divine No definition for this is needed Kyle tells me that knowing needs no reason I don’t care about bad fortune from this height Our first phone call went straight to my brain I can feel my mind changing on the Q train I want to trust my feet Feel the ground underneath Make peace with my mind and get encapsulated by the sighs The sounds that make this city groove I want to trust that my feelings are true
13.
Keeping it all Keeping it all together not just in spite of the weather Refuse to talk Though in the street it’s you I see, I would be talking to a memory Explaining my condition to a man who thinks my brace is nifty I say “it’s not what you think” He says “you look like a runner to me” Sometimes it is not about what disappears, but the things that stay constant, oh so clear As long as you keep the wheels turning, your mind can stop your heart from truly burning Sometimes I feel disjointed, not here or there Perpetual motion makes me self-aware that no matter how the sunrise kisses the sea, people’s view of it will be what they want it to be I grip the pavement, feeling nervous as I talk to Forest, my friend He asks “if you’ve not moved inward, maybe you’re not done moving yet?” Sometimes it is not about what disappears, but the things that stay constant, oh so clear As my friends lead me somewhere avoiding a ghost, I remember that motion matters most Sometimes I feel disjointed, not here or there Perpetual motion makes me kinda scared But no matter how the sunfall kisses the sea or the things you think you didn’t want to believe or the person that you may not ever be People’s view of you will be what they want it to be As I try to think of something clever to say I give in, say “you’re right, that’s me, I’m always running, have a good morning.”
14.
Wait for my feet to catch up with the pace that my mind moves at on these cloudy, snowy days But that’s the thing, I think of you and my heart thinks “spring” And Mike says you probably don’t know what I’m thinking of No one can hear you scream in love And I was standing at a show Because I said I’d see my friends But then halfway through their set, I felt a sharp pain cross my head And so I left to go to bed but quickly forgot what I said ‘Cos when I locked eyes with your eyes, I felt my face turn blood red But I’m sure that you didn’t know that then I knew I had to go ‘Cos when I saw your face in light, I wondered “will I sleep tonight?” ...and I think Mike’s right, you probably don’t know what I’m thinking of No one can hear you scream in love
15.
Nothing has to change in three years You can look across the table in the same dimly lit coffee shop and see the same face One that’s telling you how lately all these problems seem paper thin when life comes in And though my brain tells me not to let go Oh, that’s just how it goes I said goodnight to someone I do not know and now I’m scared though I know that there’s no room now to be scared And now I’m talking on my phone Looking at the road Looking beyond the road Trying to see something that I recognize But I know that’s not the goal More than learning to not have focus on my own Embracing how sometimes I now inhale Hell and exhale hope A/C in your hair Cool running down my spine Rain dampening my clothes The rest of my life Today I almost died ...I think I’ll take the long way home
16.
Caroline 03:14
Caroline She welcomes me with ease A stray dog in the breeze that needs a place to stay until morning I sit down admit I failed at spaghetti How did I fail to make spaghetti? But she laughs and says "that's fine, have this - it's made from lentil beans" She shows me some new proofs Some nonsense, but others proof that she's finding her own way with something new to say In the way Something we've talked about before, but only 'cos it's true It's kinda hard to tell what speed you're going at when everything is spinning By this time next May, we'll go our separate ways Though that could be the same direction anyway Oh, friend, in truth, I often think that if you ever go people won't know if they're saying goodbye or hello 'Cos they won't be able to tell the difference between your face the flowers you lay upon and the dirt What a beautiful thing that must be, to end your life blending in with the nature that surrounds you
17.
Gibbs St. 03:31
What if there’s nothing? Nothing behind me What if my worry fades with the warm air? What if my eyes are the ones that are lying? What if I had a reason for crying? Then I might know why the best times feel like wandering around, touching nothing of myself or the ground If I had something sure beneath my feet, then I could fall asleep here on Gibbs St. But would I wake up? I smoked my last last cigarette today ‘Cos time moves fast enough without me Not that it’s too fast, I just worry too much about who I will be I shouldn’t worry about things I cannot see
18.
2 a.m. highway roads Driving to the airport to get you and bring Thai basil rice Won’t that be nice? But first I have to drive alone and get over my fear of the road It’s all I’ve known Worried that somebody must be dead but knowing it’s all in my head What more can be said? It doesn’t make much sense, but right now I feel like I don’t need the present tense It used to be a fear, but now I’m holding near these moments where my mind is gone while driving You could say I’m asleep at the wheel But my eyes aren’t closed or screaming No, what I mean is that I’m dreaming
19.
Ever-Ready Blue This one’s for you The ground moving beneath our feet Premonition parallel to the evening breeze Catching myself speak softly though there’s no one else around Trying to see meaning in the feeling of this sound I said it Time stopped And I’ve heard that’s the difference between loving and being in love Ever-Ready Blue I woke up to the speed of wind in your bedroom ringing through Couldn’t fall back asleep ‘cos once I hugged you and felt an ocean ...I think I’m falling into you, Ever-Ready Blue
20.
The summer air cut deep in the skin on me that couldn’t stand the heat So I walked up to the door, but I shouldn’t have been walking on all fours Then a man let me inside then whispered something I couldn’t reason with, though I tried He said “you’ll live life without pride if you live life without an angel by your side” Oh, all that I thought is that I don’t want to try and try to think a lot Oh, all that I thought is maybe what I have is better than what I have not The winter air cut deep in the skin on me that couldn’t stand the cold But, still, I walked up to the door I thought I shouldn’t have been walking on all fours Then an angel sang out! They didn’t really know much more and that the way I’m walking is what my arms are for I didn’t pay attention and saw a deer glide by outside I think I heard that self sufficiency is worth more than pride Oh, all that I thought is that I don’t want to try and try to think a lot Oh, all that I thought is maybe what I have is better than what I have not The city sounds cut deep in the part of my mind that can miss a beat
21.
22.
The sun breaks out o’er the ridge as a girl’s breath lingers on to someone that will her in so she can ask some questions and maybe get some clarity on how the rain melts in her mind and how her brain can’t really see what is right in front of her eyes Oh, she’s pushed out Back out with more questions A college student drops a tab ignoring worry from his friends that his body won’t be well until his mind is in good health Oh, euphoria and states of glee fractal notes and power shrines understanding what his mother saw when she claimed she saw God Just a feeling Just a feeling for something else A twenty-something falls in love but this time it feels right two lines meeting on a path albeit different stages of life When they put their hand on his chest they can feel his heart beat knowing someday it’ll have to stop like each breath that lingers on I only now just realized I don’t often dream of the sky No, my wonder always goes askew Redirects down to the ocean blue And how deep does life go And does it always reach the bottom? Or do some answers hurt more than questions? Oh, better to let it be
23.
This is You 02:22
This is you Here I am If I tell you How I feel Always wanting Love is real I’ve been through Many happy years With you But with sorrow We have found Room to grow But that's life This is me This is you
24.
I am sitting with iced coffee though it’s freezing cold outside It’s 5 a.m. and I am feeling things I can’t describe Though they’re coming off as new, they also seem quite old Not in a mediocre way, but more like “where were they before?” I’m thinking things I’d say in New York though I’m now living Upstate Like when you’re on a moving bus but feel frozen inside Spoke on the phone with yesterday to talk about today and how tomorrow today will have been yesterday Then I wrote a couple letters to people I won’t see again It’s always good to have something I’ve worked on, but never shared So I’ll say the things I never said and never will say But that’s fine with me - some things are left best unsaid I know nothing about flowers, but these words feel like seeds So I’ll plant them in some soil and see how they look in a month I’ll water all these memories and just try to make some sense But if they die, that’s fine ‘Cos in my life, I’d like to have some kind of garden

about

WATCH THE MUSIC VIDEO FOR "WHERE I'M AT, RIGHT NOW," DIRECTED BY SVEA IMMEL: www.youtube.com/watch?v=X02ZQNGGvCg

WATCH THE MUSIC VIDEO FOR "CAROLINE" DIRECTED BY AND STARRING CAROLINE BAKER: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ki_Iw8X4hY

DWL030

“I had no heart to say it was an easy feat/Though life kicks back, death has no beat”

On their album Swansongs, the Berlin-based songwriter Jake Bellissimo turns melodrama into melody. Featuring varied arrangements that include string quartets, choirs, and even at one point a carillon, the album stretches the genre of orchestral pop music to explore grandiose romanticism alongside hushed minimalism. With an emphasis on storytelling, the collection of 24 songs looks at love, loss, and all of the moments in-between. What if one swan song isn’t enough?

credits

released November 29, 2020

Mastered by Alessandro Paderno

Artwork by John McDermott after Reinier van Persijn’s “The singing swan”

All songs written, arranged, performed, recorded, and produced
by Jake Bellissimo (©2020 BMI) with the exception of “This is You”, which was written and performed by Rachel Jensen and Jake Bellissimo

“Hope by Another Name” contains a reference to Bob Barnett’s play “God, by Another Name”, used with permission from the playwright

“Where I’m at, Right Now” contains a sample from a live performance by Hussalonia (hussalonia.bandcamp.com) at Mohawk Place in Buffalo, New York on March 21st, 2018, used with permission from the composer

“On Meadow Road, People Go” contains a sample from “Sharing Work at Home” by Coronet Instructional Films (Public Domain)

“Lust for Life” contains a sample from David Liptak’s “Serenade for Alto Saxophone & Strings”, used with permission from the composer

“Let it Be (Ocean Blue)” contains a sample from a masterclass by the violist George Taylor, used with permission from the artist

With help from,

Acadia Braxton-Barto: Acoustic bass (Track 1), Vocals (Tracks 1/5/7/16/18/20)
Nick Piato: Trumpet (Tracks 1/2/12/14/16/20)
Michael Matthews: Alto saxophone (Tracks 1/2/3/4/10/18)
Carolena Belle Lara: Vocals (Tracks 1/3/17/24)
Fiona Stout: French horn (Tracks 1/2/3/4/9)
Emma Kato: Cello (Track 1)
Sloane McCarthy: Electric bass (Track 1)
Brett Copeland: Tuba (Tracks 2/5)
Laura Hundert: Clarinet (Tracks 2/3/10/17)
Sara DeFranco: Vocals (Track 3)
John McDermott: Power saw (Track 4)
Rose Hegele: Vocals (Track 6)
Rowan Wolf: Baritone saxophone (Track 6)
Caroline Baker: French horn (Tracks 11/24)
Sean Lowery: Drumset (Tracks 12/13)
Ian Carle: Drumset (Track 15)
Raina Arnett: Violin (Tracks 15/19)
Haley Schricker: Violin (Tracks 15/19)
Julia Churchill: Violin (Tracks 15/19)
Ethan Durell: Viola (Tracks 15/19)
Jordan Lee Gunn: Cello (Tracks 15/19)
Alex Johnson: Carillon (Track 17)
Sam Regan: Melodica (Track 18)
Alexander Ishov: Flute (Track 21)
Anna Dunlap: Harp (Track 21)
Dustin Seo: Cello (Track 21)
Hailey McAvoy: Vocals (Track 21)
Jose Benjamin Escobar: Rhodes (Track 21)
Luke Norris: Alto saxophone (Track 21)
Matt Bent: Drumset (Track 21)
Sean Mulligan: Viola (Track 21)
Leonardo Marino: Pump organ (Track 22)
The Bellissimo and Jensen families: Vocals (Track 23)

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♥ Drunk With Love Records ♥ hell, Michigan

Drunk With Love Records was a collective that existed from 2014-2021. It was a place for our music to exist, but now we have other places to go. Thanks for all who listened to us.
drunkwithloverecords@gmail.com
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