There’s nothing so gay as a stinking cafe a club where the nightmights rally There’s nothings so vicious or costly pernicious as the life we all lead in the ally For birthdays and weddings and airing our bettings The home is no longer a boon a private pleasure or vex We now make public as sex the salon of today's the saloon Hello, darling it’s heaven to see you Doesn’t she look awful? Get that eye It’s black, he hit her, I knew it last night He said he’d kick her teeth out if she got tight Hello darling, I’m so glad you came by Happy birthday, we’re singing to you! Wretched old stew, he must be 102 Imagine admitting another year gone stingy old boar trying to cheat for us long nasty smelly bile man cheat jizzling Why, thank you very much It’s a happy birthday to... Cigar, cigarettes Cigarettes, cigars The most hateful of all humanity are the ones who check their hats and their cars Cigars, cigarettes Cigarettes, cigars May you break your back if you take your pack into restaurants, clubs, or bars My wife has gone away (hooray!) Everybody drink! My wife has gone away to stay I put her in the clink I found a lovely body in an old forgotten trunk Now Mother’s up the river and Pappy’s on the junk Four scotch high, do with water one no sugar daquirie eight tom coblins sweet martinies first non shepard drink for me sixteen zombies sweet brown swizzles (snore) Okay, you waiters speak like men! I’m a bartender not a monkey! Stop that chattering, and give me the order again (Drunk with love my body aches) Dorothy, darling, Let me tell you while he’s singing that tired old urge The new psychiatrist that I’m going to in the bleeker building says that I’ve got a primate urge Yes, to sleep with monkeys, marmosets, anything with a big tail— (Round, and round, because I've—) I’ll have to go down to the Gargantuem before i get through, don’t you understand it’s my only way of escape! My god, is he going to sing that thing forever? Waiter, it’s coming on my again, send out quickly and get me an ape! Photographer’s flashlights Destroying the pashlights Somebody sailing, ailing, and whailing Designs for divorces served with all courses and that guy with psychic forces who destroys you with the horses It’s greedy It’s gaudy It’s seedy It’s baudy It’s frousy and lousy it’s true, but I adore it, don’t you baby? And I think I do 'cos maybe I really mean it When I say "hello, darling" to you

Summer, winter, fall I adore them all, but in april or in may a day is born that makes me say... I wanna sing because it’s spring in Manhattan I’m so glad to be alive There’s a little tree just across the street from me I wanna shout, the leaves are out and soon a bluebird will arrive The winter’s gone, the spring is on in manhattan High above my head the sky is blue There’s sunshine in the air Throw away your coat and care It’s spring, Manhattan sings for you

She's my most intimate friend. And naturally, I shan’t say a word. It doesn’t make a bit difference to me what the papers have printed and what anyone’s heard. 'cos I like her. Of course, I don’t entirely approve of her killing her husband, but never-the-less, he was the logical person for her to kill. And she did do it nicely, we all must confess. She's never been mentally sound, you know. As a child, she had a murderous trend I was with her when her brother fell in the well Of course I'd never admit it because she's my most intimate friend Her mother was that sexy Amy Tiddlemouse you remember we all found her rather queer. And her father was a manic depressive, well, haven't you heard? He's been in San Quentin for over a year! So, she comes by it naturall. She's such a pretty girl, too. I thought it was disgusting of that physician to feel compelled to tell everyone in the court about her incurable poisonous ivy condition. She had so many beaus, I think he did it for an ad. A wretched trick to further his own end. He got every man in town for a patient! Of course, I knew it was true, she's my most intimate friend. And, after all, I did try to efend her. I said she was drunk when she shot him. Why she'd be drinking like crazy for days? She was blind, it's miraculous that she got him. She's what she is and of course she'll never mind. She's an intro ultra extrovert, but so what? She's my most intimate friend. I know she's diseased, I know she's insane. I know she can only be appeased with a lash and champagne I know Leslie fired for her actions with the girls and I know why she poisoned her mother: she wanted the pearls. I know all about the battalion that she left too weak to walk and I know about the stallion, that was only talk. I know they call her house the hutch and compare her to the rabbit and I know exactly just how much black magic she does on the sabbath. In fact, I know a lot of things I could tell if I would but a gossip I never want end. Wild horses couldn't drag one word from my mouth, after all, she's my most intimate friend. And dope. Lord, she has stuck herself with that needle. So many holes front and back, if she had any inner radiance she’d be a living tower of jewels. It’s a shame for the tourists that her soul is so black. I like her and you can't get me to say one bad thing about her.

A story of the interesting little people whom we meet in the newsreel theaters of the world, I meet the furious curious penurious people of the day and in their funny way, haha, I find them very gay I learn the history, blister mystery tales of love and hate of the very small and the very great… wait. Flood time in the south. Once again the mighty mississippi overflows her banks and floods the once arid city of Flutesville, Alabama We hear of the disaster from one of its survivors miss lucy debussy, Miss Debussy: I was giving a music lesson in the home of a Mrs. Wesson when the flood began The family ran but I stayed true to my Chopin. The people left and took two boats while I was playing my silvery notes and then the piano floated away and I was left without no pay. I held my music in my mouth and swam upstream away from that South. I met my folks in Cincinnati but they turned their backs cause i looked so ratty. that’s my family for you. A famous hollywood entrepreneur gives business hints. This brave tailored little woman reveals all. I started in a salad shop and beat my way right to the top I found more money in Miss Garbo's legs Than I did whipping up four dozen of eggs, They stood up for me in that western town 'cos I whipped so hard they could not sit down. If you want to make money my advice to you is to save your paddle and sell your canoe. After working for forty years, Mrs. Daisy Wiggle has finally completed a dollhouse made entirely of human hair. This tiny elfin little dwelling contains one hair from every nation and notable in the world, Miss Wiggles: Pulling hair is lots of fun you really aught to try it (hehe) from kings and queens and everyone I’ve snipped hairs on the quiet They never miss a strand or so don’t even know they’re gone. and if they turn around you know I merely scamper on. I’ve lovely hairs from horses tails and apes and marmosets. I have elephant hairs as tough as nails and lots of grand barettes. Of course, I never did believe this work would make me rich, you silly. but I'll take it apart someday and weave myself a beautiful switch. (hehehe) The citizens of Umlaut, Arizona were amazed today to find Mrs. Gaspo, a resident fortunately not from the town proper walking in the streets completely nude. Mrs. Gaspos claimed that shed be attacked by a swarm of locusts and refused to be ashamed of her lack of clothing, Mrs. Gaspos: I was riding leisure-like to town when a swarm of locusts settled down On me and Mavey (thats my horse) and they bit and chawed with all their force. They let poor mavey clean away They let my clothes and my hair turned gray. Now here I am, like I was born and them rascals are yelling september morn. It ain't september, them sassy little brats ought to give me there coats and a tip of their hats. I’m a church going woman and I ain't worried. I’m gonna buy a new horse and I won’t be hurried. May get a dress if my money hold out. Boys, look at me and learn what it’s about.

You don't have to worry 'bout breaking my heart My money is all in trust, ain't that a pity? All you gotta worry bout, is doing your part Get it up, get it up, kitty! You're fakin', you're taken It's breaking me down So stop being wild, thee, and witty I believe the time has come for you to quit acting dumb Get it up, kitty! While I've been paying you've been playing me, like a cat, plays a mouse but now I'm fed up You've made your bed up I'm in it this minute, my luscious little louse You've held up my end with your old tired tail of being all alone in this big city but your mattress I observe has a double company curve so get it up, get it up, kitty! You've been platonic with me felt like my sister oh gee I have relatives galore but I'm looking for a more or less undressed company. Get it up, get it up, kitty! Get it up, get it up, kitty! Get it up, get it up, get it up, kitty! Get it up! --------------- (Original lyrics not used in this version) stop saying we'll spoil our friendship ill be the captain and ten ship you can be the crew if you polish off the screw da dum lets go to sea ...You must think that I’m Rome and you’re Nero to keep fiddling while I’m burning but tonight I don’t go home a zero To give a twist a twist, you’re the worm that’s turning You’re not a lass with a lack of saying you’re flat on your back but very truly I won’t believe you til you lie Which is why you’re being laid out by me It’s dividend time on the old divan and I’m going to clip the joint pretty so rustle off your bustle and hustle to the tussle Get it up and build it up, get it up and keep it up get it up, get it up, Kitty

A little national geographic dedicated to our neighbors in the pacific... Traveler, travelers, do a favor for me on the beach by Waikiki by the blue Hawaiian sea Buy me, buy me something simple and sweet Something I will always love Something I’ve been dreaming of Bring me a lei from Hawaii I’ve wanted a lei for so long I can’t get one here, they’re entirely too dear but Hawaiians give lei’s for a song Don’t bring me a short lei or one that’s too portly and thin leis I don’t like at all While you’re gone I will yearn, but when you return I’ll be expecting a lei when you call Leis, ladies and gentlemen 10 cents a lei give your girl a lei mister i bet she’d love one 10 little pennies for one beautiful lei Take one home to mother she’s not had one in a long time If she doesn’t know what to do with it, she can put it around her neck Leis ladies and gentlemen, leis for sale Try this one over on your piano, leis look lovely on a piano Some look better on a couch and I’ve known a couple of peculiar people who like leis on the floor and even a lei farmer fashion in the hay. (hey hey!) It’s not a cultivated taste like olives, it's natural and even an old stale lei has a bit of reminiscent charm Leis, ladies and gentlemen, 10 cents a lei While you’re gone I will yearn, but when you return, I’ll be expecting that lei when you call

I'm drunk, drunk with love My body aches Just one shot, that's all it takes To make me cry and tell you why I'm drunk, dead drunk with love Rotten liquor, mostly gin Every club I stumble in 'Round and 'round, because I've found She likes me drunk with love Every morning I swear that I'm gonna try something new Then I feel her, her hands hurt and I don't care what I do Someday, she'll walk out my door ...I guess that's what doors are for And when I slam it, she'll say "goddammit! He's drunk, dead drunk with love!"